Building Your Self-esteem

I was having a conversation with one of my sons recently.  And it took me back to a memory of myself in high school.  A memory of how much my self-esteem was tied to my academic achievements.

 

I was really uncoordinated so I didn’t do well in any sports but I knew from very early on that I could do well in school.  I was not good at the Sciences so I focused on languages.  I was really good at Spanish and French. 

 

During high school  I found out that I loved languages and I did the work to pull straight As.  I kept this up throughout high school and on the rare occasion where  I got a grade  like a B+ for Spanish or French I’d be devastated.  It was as if my world had fallen apart.

 

It was high school graduation time. I had done all the exams and  had the top grades in my class for Spanish and French.  We were told that prizes would be given out at the graduation ceremony and I was sure I would receive the prizes for Spanish and French.

 

Well, I was right about one. I received the prize for Spanish but the French prize went to another student and I was so crushed I couldn’t breathe. I felt ashamed. The frightened part of me kept saying: “Shame on you. You’re a loser. You couldn’t even win two prizes?”

 

It was such a devastating blow to my self-esteem my graduation ceremony was a blur. I remembered taking a few pictures with my family but I felt so sad.  I felt like I didn’t have a future. I felt like a failure.

 

I never told anyone in my family but while they were celebrating the successes of my high school achievement I felt I had nothing to celebrate because I had lost the French prize.  What was there to celebrate?

 

Fast-forward to 20 odd years later. I was searching for pictures and came across my high school graduation print-out. In it was my name and next to it the text acknowledging my achievement of gaining the top award for Spanish.  Of the hundreds of students in that graduating class I had won the top prize. That was an achievement. Why didn’t I see that then?

 

Because I had very low self-esteem.  I didn’t see myself as whole just as I was.  My sense of self was tied to what I felt I could achieve.  And when I didn’t achieve the goals I had set for myself I felt like a total loser. And I’d get mad at myself.

 

Do you find yourself beating up on yourself for what you didn’t  achieve? Do you get mad at yourself and call yourself names?

Do you take time to celebrate your successes or do you immediately notice what you consider the failures and get depressed about them?

 

Self-esteem really is about liking ourselves.  It’s about accepting ourselves. It’s about recognizing that we are okay just the way we are. That means I don’t have to win a top prize, get straight As or  be recognized as the best in my field to be okay.

 

High self-esteem is not about our achievements.  It’s about self-love, self-acceptance and self-confidence in ourselves just the way we are.  It’s about recognizing our strengths and approving of ourselves.

 

Many of us look outside of ourselves for approval, for someone to say “Great job!” Yet when we get a compliment we deflect it by saying “Oh, I didn’t do anything.” Or “That’s because I was lucky” or some other excuse.

 

When we begin to love ourselves we’re comfortable giving ourselves that compliment.  And when someone else compliments us we feel comfortable accepting the compliment with a simple “Thank you.” 

 

High self-esteem allows us to look at our day to day achievements and take the time to celebrate it. In order for us to get to this level we need to start at the beginning.

 

Some people might consider this mirror exercise a little weird or really weird.  If you can bring yourself to try it, do. It will make a world of difference to your life.

 

To begin to develop your self-esteem pick up a small mirror, say your name out loud and “I love and accept you exactly as you are”. Look into your eyes and say something positive to yourself every time you pass a mirror this week.

 

 Get a notebook and label it My Self-esteem Journal.  In your Self-esteem Journal write 10 positive things about yourself.  Every morning when you wake up, before you rush off into your day and before your Inner Critic starts telling you all the negative things about yourself open your Self-esteem journal and read the positive things you wrote about yourself. 

 

Reflect on them. Take them with you through the day. Write them on index cards if it’s easier to carry around and take them out at intervals in the day to remind yourself of who you are.

 

Every night before bed, write in your Self-esteem journal 5 things you are thankful for. Yes, gratitude lifts your spirits and helps build self-esteem.  Gratitude also brings more good to you. Try these exercises for 90 days and you’ll be amazed at the difference they make in your life.

 

Lorna is a Life Coach and Speaker. She has over 10 years experience in helping people take charge of their lives.  She coaches clients on self-empowerment. Using her own personal story of overcoming obstacles she facilitates empowerment workshops and seminars.  She has recently written an e-Book  Whose Life Is It Anyway: 10 Tips to Get Your Life On Track. Buy it today for $10!  For more info check her website at www.lornablake.com or www.mpowerurself.com.

 

 

 

Self-care is Self-love

Have you been on an airplane and heard the flight attendant say put on your oxygen mask first?

Did you think about what it really means or did you immediately dismiss it telling yourself: “I can’t do that”?

What does it really mean to put on your oxygen mask first?

 

If you don’t do it, you wont  be able to be there for others when they need you… To be able to help others we must first take care of ourselves physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually. 

 

Giving to others without giving to yourself first is like attempting to make a withdrawal from your bank account when you had nothing in the account to begin with.  That’s called overdrawing. And even if you have overdraft protection it puts you in the negative…

 

If you don’t give to yourself first you’ll have nothing to give. What’s worse is you could burn out or be completely incapable of helping others because of illness or whatever.

 

I received the gift of spending time with my mother several months before she passed away.  It was May 2006 and I had just returned to Canada from Korea with my sons. The cancer she’d been diagnosed with four years before had returned and she had just been admitted to hospital for a few days.

 

One of the things she sat me down and told me was: “Make sure you continue to take care of yourself. Even if other people think that you’re being selfish, do for yourself first. If I had known this my whole life, perhaps I wouldn’t be in this situation.”

 

I had been practicing self-care for many years from doing Assertiveness Training and had always known it was the right thing to do but hearing this from my mom really cemented it in my mind and heart.

 

Here was a  woman who had practiced self-sacrifice her whole life.  Wherever she went people loved and admired her for her generosity. She had always given to others first and many times there was nothing left for herself.  It amazed me that she had been given this flash of insight which she chose to share with me. It touched me in a way that nothing else could.

 

Whether you’re a young adult just starting out in life or you’re older and have been through lots of life take care of yourself first.

Whether you’re in a helping profession or you have children and a family that depends on you or perhaps you’re a very generous person to others - take time for yourself.  Whatever your situation, practice self-care. Your family, home, school, church, workplace, neighbours, friends, community, society, world will benefit from your self-care.

 

 

Tips to start practicing self-care:

1.   Make a note in your planner to have some “Me” time this week.

2.   Take an hour of undisturbed time that you’re going to spend completely by yourself. No distractions allowed. Turn off your cell phone, computer.  Tell your children, partner, husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, friends you’re not available.

3.   Take some time to think about the things you enjoy doing.  Maybe it’s watching an episode of Mr. Bean, Sesame Street or your favourite comedian.  It could be drawing or painting a picture.  For some people it’s getting a massage, a bubble bath, a foot soak.  For others it’s going for a walk, swim, hike.  It could be settling down in a favourite chair with a book.  The ideas are as unique as you.

4.   Do something you enjoy for that hour. Notice how you feel after the experience.

5.   Have a “Me time” date every week over the next 90 days. It will change your life.

 

For more ideas on how to practice self-care check out my e-Book “Whose Life Is It Anyway: 10 Tips to Get Your Life On Track”.

If you need one-on-one help send me an email: lorna@lornablake.com and I’ll be happy to help you out.

 

Ever heard the saying: “You teach people how to treat you”?

It’s true. It’s evidenced by what you’re willing or not willing to tolerate in your relationships…

 

Many years ago I became friends with a wonderful lady who was like a mother to me. She was very kind and loving to everyone so I couldn’t understand why her adult children treated her with such disrespect.  They openly put her down even in the presence of strangers. And the more they disrespected her, the harder she worked to seek their love and approval.

 

It really bothered me to see what was going on.  I thought it was all her children’s fault that they were so disrespectful.  Back then I hadn’t yet learned how to Communicate to Get Respect.

 

Here’s how you get respect.

 

First, be aware that you have rights as an individual.

 

Second, acknowledge your rights.

 

Assertive people know they have the right to:

 

·      Be treated with respect

·      Express their own opinion, feelings, thoughts

·      Say no

·      Decide for themselves what they want

·      Make mistakes

·      Be themselves

 

Third, begin to ask for respect. Express how you feel using “I statements”. Take responsibility for your own feelings.  For example, “I feel upset when you shout at me.”

 

Fourth, focus on future action instead of on the situation that just occurred.  For example, “In future I would like you to speak to me in a calm voice.”

 

Fifth, whenever possible take a deep breath, think about what you’re going to say and how you’re going to say it.  Where possible, write down what you’re planning to say and practice.  Discuss the problem with the other person when you’re calm and in control of your emotions.

 

Seek Respect.  Your goal is not to be liked.  It’s to be respected. Once you understand this you can begin to express your feelings and open the lines of communication with people you have to interact with.  This creates greater intimacy, involvement and mutual respect in your relationships…

 

When you don’t express your opinion on how you want to be treated, you close the lines of communication between yourself and others.  This results in a build-up of anger, resentment and frustration toward others. This is hazardous to your health and your relationships.