Building Your Self-esteem

I was having a conversation with one of my sons recently.  And it took me back to a memory of myself in high school.  A memory of how much my self-esteem was tied to my academic achievements.

 

I was really uncoordinated so I didn’t do well in any sports but I knew from very early on that I could do well in school.  I was not good at the Sciences so I focused on languages.  I was really good at Spanish and French. 

 

During high school  I found out that I loved languages and I did the work to pull straight As.  I kept this up throughout high school and on the rare occasion where  I got a grade  like a B+ for Spanish or French I’d be devastated.  It was as if my world had fallen apart.

 

It was high school graduation time. I had done all the exams and  had the top grades in my class for Spanish and French.  We were told that prizes would be given out at the graduation ceremony and I was sure I would receive the prizes for Spanish and French.

 

Well, I was right about one. I received the prize for Spanish but the French prize went to another student and I was so crushed I couldn’t breathe. I felt ashamed. The frightened part of me kept saying: “Shame on you. You’re a loser. You couldn’t even win two prizes?”

 

It was such a devastating blow to my self-esteem my graduation ceremony was a blur. I remembered taking a few pictures with my family but I felt so sad.  I felt like I didn’t have a future. I felt like a failure.

 

I never told anyone in my family but while they were celebrating the successes of my high school achievement I felt I had nothing to celebrate because I had lost the French prize.  What was there to celebrate?

 

Fast-forward to 20 odd years later. I was searching for pictures and came across my high school graduation print-out. In it was my name and next to it the text acknowledging my achievement of gaining the top award for Spanish.  Of the hundreds of students in that graduating class I had won the top prize. That was an achievement. Why didn’t I see that then?

 

Because I had very low self-esteem.  I didn’t see myself as whole just as I was.  My sense of self was tied to what I felt I could achieve.  And when I didn’t achieve the goals I had set for myself I felt like a total loser. And I’d get mad at myself.

 

Do you find yourself beating up on yourself for what you didn’t  achieve? Do you get mad at yourself and call yourself names?

Do you take time to celebrate your successes or do you immediately notice what you consider the failures and get depressed about them?

 

Self-esteem really is about liking ourselves.  It’s about accepting ourselves. It’s about recognizing that we are okay just the way we are. That means I don’t have to win a top prize, get straight As or  be recognized as the best in my field to be okay.

 

High self-esteem is not about our achievements.  It’s about self-love, self-acceptance and self-confidence in ourselves just the way we are.  It’s about recognizing our strengths and approving of ourselves.

 

Many of us look outside of ourselves for approval, for someone to say “Great job!” Yet when we get a compliment we deflect it by saying “Oh, I didn’t do anything.” Or “That’s because I was lucky” or some other excuse.

 

When we begin to love ourselves we’re comfortable giving ourselves that compliment.  And when someone else compliments us we feel comfortable accepting the compliment with a simple “Thank you.” 

 

High self-esteem allows us to look at our day to day achievements and take the time to celebrate it. In order for us to get to this level we need to start at the beginning.

 

Some people might consider this mirror exercise a little weird or really weird.  If you can bring yourself to try it, do. It will make a world of difference to your life.

 

To begin to develop your self-esteem pick up a small mirror, say your name out loud and “I love and accept you exactly as you are”. Look into your eyes and say something positive to yourself every time you pass a mirror this week.

 

 Get a notebook and label it My Self-esteem Journal.  In your Self-esteem Journal write 10 positive things about yourself.  Every morning when you wake up, before you rush off into your day and before your Inner Critic starts telling you all the negative things about yourself open your Self-esteem journal and read the positive things you wrote about yourself. 

 

Reflect on them. Take them with you through the day. Write them on index cards if it’s easier to carry around and take them out at intervals in the day to remind yourself of who you are.

 

Every night before bed, write in your Self-esteem journal 5 things you are thankful for. Yes, gratitude lifts your spirits and helps build self-esteem.  Gratitude also brings more good to you. Try these exercises for 90 days and you’ll be amazed at the difference they make in your life.

 

Lorna is a Life Coach and Speaker. She has over 10 years experience in helping people take charge of their lives.  She coaches clients on self-empowerment. Using her own personal story of overcoming obstacles she facilitates empowerment workshops and seminars.  She has recently written an e-Book  Whose Life Is It Anyway: 10 Tips to Get Your Life On Track. Buy it today for $10!  For more info check her website at www.lornablake.com or www.mpowerurself.com.